Talking about my addiction while I went off on my little rant, made me realize how much closer to falling I really am. I knew a little piece was longing for that feeling again but until I said it out loud, I didn’t realize how strong it was. No matter how bad it gets I refuse to run back to it. I refuse to call an “old friend” and reopen that door up. I’m not “that” person anymore, I have too much to live for to let “it” drag me down again.
My sobriety means EVERYTHING to me! Sober means I’m alive, it means I get to be the mother they deserve. I’ll take a day being sober and living in prisoned in my mind, over any day where I let my addiction win. The day I let my addiction win, might be my last day on this planet and I REFUSE to let it win!!!!
She’s on her knees again
Staring up at her master
Waiting for his next command
Hoping this time she can please him
She won’t be happy till he is satisfied
My aniexty is bad tonight, almost unbearable. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and just run wild. I picture myself dashing through the rain forest and not stopping till I cant breath. Tonight nothing is going to help, I don’t want anyone to come near me, I might freak out and you’ll see the scariest sight of your life. Imagine a woman screaming and her hair flying out and her face turning engine red. It’s not even a scream it’s more like an unbearable shrieks filled with babble and confused words that are presumed to be words but she’s talking to fast.
I’m not in a good place right now, financially, emotionally or mentally! Every time I take any steps to better myself I get knocked a thousand feet back, I know it doesn’t sound like a lot but it is. I’m badly bruised and barely hanging on, the ceiling is starting to close in and I don’t have the strengthen to hold it up anymore. The past few weeks have been crazy hectic, I’ve been trying to get everything done so I can start the next chapter in my life and then today it hit me!! NONE of what I’ve been doing the past few weeks even matters. It was pointless and a complete waste of time, I don’t know why I ever thought I could put myself in a position where I would be able to finally pursue my dreams. Since May my legs have been my car, I take myself and my children everywhere with them. Last week my daughter had a doctor’s appointment not in walking distance so my mom dropped us off two hours before my daughter’s appointment(she had to go to work). Then my son had to be at an appointment back by our house so I spent my last $15 took a cab and barely made it on time. When it was done with I called EVERYONE I knew, they were either working or just being plain LAZY!! So I dragged two car seats, carried my son and his bag, while trying to help my daughter who kept crying in pain. I can’t keep going on like this………I’m getting no where and just carrying them a long for the ride and it’s not right, they shouldn’t have to endure this.
Everyone gather around
Come on now you don’t want to miss this
Everyone watches as a little girl runs for her life
The crowd laughs and cheers
A man flips the switch and the little girl can’t see
The laughs get louder and louder
The little girl screams out “HELP” “HELP”
A man yells out it’s okay sweetie no one makes it out alive
I waited thirteen months before I left my feelings get the best of me. Oh who am I kidding I didn’t really wait I just didn’t have the nerve to call you. After what happened I was unsure where your mind would be at, so I faded silently into the darkness. My anger quickly turned into regret and I kept fighting with myself to leave you alone. I knew how to find you but I kept trying to convince myself that even if I wanted to contact you I didn’t know where to look. It was all a lie I had your number tucked away in a safe place that was untouchable or so I thought. Four months ago your number fell into my lap it rained right out of the sky. I was going through in old box of “memories” and the wind blew it up in the air. As I watched it swirl around, I saw your name and knew exactly what it was. Then it hit me I have to do this, I have to know, if not I will never let go of you. Once again I was wrong I should of never contacted you I should of just let it go, let you go!! After all this time, what would be the point? Would I really take anything away from it? It didn’t matter I had made my mind up, no rationalizing this time. I never expected you to be so welcoming and open with me.
The story you told me over the next ten hours about the last thirteen months really pulled at my heart, made it hard to hear. I couldn’t believe everything you had to endure but you made it out alive. It made it even more clear to me how I never wanted to think about not having you in my life. Here’s the kicker you can’t be in my life, we don’t fit in each other’s journey. Three days ago your wife found out we were talking and that brought an end to our friendship. I completely understand where she is coming from even though it’s very hard to accept. At one point in time when you two were separated we were a “thing”. We ran ramped on the streets with little regard for anyone else and their feelings. We lied to people we called our “friends” because no on could know what we were doing. Upper management frowned upon our sort of behavior and you would of lost your job. At the time none of this mattered to us, the only thing we cared about was each other. If that meant lying to the people we “loved”, sneaking around and going an hour away to do it then so be it. Every time we went out to eat or went some where together we had to drive a nice distance to make sure no one saw us. Who does this kind of thing? What two people can say they care so much about one another but lie to the whole world? Everything we did was wrong, we lied, deceived people but most importantly we lied to ourselves. We became each other’s escape from reality, anytime the other person needed a break or felt like the world was closing in we would run to one another.
As the time comes for me to step back out in the real world, those old feelings start to resurface. The ones that I have fought so hard to keep away and learn from. Well here I sit in a panic again, my head is racing. I feel like I might just crawl out of my skin, I don’t think I can do this sober. Interacting with someone who isn’t behind some type of screen is very difficult for me, almost impossible at times. I LOATHE going out anywhere in public by myself, I have to have someone I know with me or my anxiety is at an all time high. People I don’t know frighten me, even if I know you and I’m uncomfortable with you I will try to avoid you. My head keeps saying run back to your medicine you won’t abuse it this time and my heart keeps saying I’m breaking up with you if you do!!!! This is something I have to do on my own or I will never over come this fear….. So let the journey begin, time to get back to the work force.